Sunday, June 27, 2004


Blog post #50

So I noticed I have iggnored you again. Well sorry the life has been a tad bit mad lately. Not to mention the doc gave new meds that make me sleep too much as my body adjusts to them in the systems. Some how this morning as I need to sleep for the day....I cannot. I have too much excitement running through my head.

Dreams of northern lights...crisp ever greens....dancing water over magical rocks....animals that prance around you...dreams of camping! Yes I am taking an adventure in the next two and a half weeks. A camping adventure! Yes this city girl has never seen the likes of the deep woods and cannot wait to fully submerge herself into the peace of northern Wisconsin. I am going to do my damndest to rough it...with two exceptions. Exception one and this maybe the only true exception but it would be to sleep on an air mattris as my back is not 100% recovered from the car accident with the semi truck. Exception two...and to be honest this almost seams like a needed item...deep woods off and other bug spray type items. I am sorry but I tend to have some sweet blood that many a bugs like to partake in like it's a rare wine. Nope sorry I will protect myself as much as possible. Other than that I plan on squating when ever nature calls...hahahaha that's funny. However because I am no expert of nature nature I do plan on brining bio degradable baby wipes and well...yeah wiping with those instead of some strange leave that might leave a rash in some very uncomfortable places. I also plan on brining pen and paper to write down some of the peaceful experiences. I also want to bring my camera so that I can go back to my photographic roots.

This adventure will have a sub adventure with it. The TALL one is going with me. Yes that's right...we are trying to be friends. Yes we have fought alot but the new meds the doc has me on make him much more bareable...and well he enjoys me a lot better while I am on the meds as well. Yes the other week we finnaly got him to admit that he is not the easiest person to deal with. That and my meds prevent me from hitting the lows that get us into fights. So between the combination of both him admiting he is a hard man to deal with and me being on the meds we are going to explore Northern Wisconsin together for 3 days. The man may have made it back from Iraq...but he has never gone camping with me before. Lets pray that neither of us kill the other one with the hot dog polker. Mind you I don't think that's going to be an issue. I am not looking to fight that weekend. I am not looking to even complain...not even if I get a ton of bug bites. I am just looking to find peace in nature and explore a little about myself with the company of an old friend.

The next thing that keeps me awake this morning is that two weeks after the camping adventure...I get to take a second adventure. Yes after the rough start to the year...the summer may look like it will be fun after all. Yes one of my mother's birthday gifts from her friend will be to fly me down to Ft Lauderdale Florida to see her. Thanks to her good friend who just has too many frequent flyer miles to use I will spend Aug 4th-9th with my mother in Florida. I will leave work 2 hours early on that Wed morning to hop on a plane. I will do my best to take a nap when in the air...if not I will have to take a quick one at mom's house when I get there. Then that night I get there we will take a dip at her condo's pool and chill out to dinner together. Then that next day...Thursday we will drive 4 hours from Ft Lauderdale to the southern most part of the US...the Florida Keys. So with a span of apx 2 months I will have been to one of the northernest parts of the US and then to THE southern most part of the US. How cool is that! Either way when we get there we are staying at a fabulous resort where we can swim naked in the pool if we like. We are staying at an "open" club...meaning they accept all styles of life there. I am more likely to be approached by a woman than a man...how fun could that be! Then after we stay there one day we are going to head back to Ft Lauderdale. Chill out that Friday night and meet my mom's friends and co workers. Then Saturday take a 2 hour driver north to see my Great Grandmother. Which I hope to hear more stories about growing up and hearing about my grandfather in the war. I am way excited about family history day as I will call it. Then Sunday my last day my mom and I will be back in Ft Lauderdale and go to church that morning. Then that afternoon we are going to a nude beach close to my mom's home. Ok for ya'll readers who have never seen what I look like...I am a very very ghostly white. I will burn as there will be parts of my body that will now have seen sun...that have never seen sun before. I plan on returning to Wisconsin with a slight to sevear sun burn. I will put lotion on but that will not stop the burn sadly. Then that Monday I awake for yet again an early flight. To be back in Cool Wisconsin by 11am. To be home in my bed by 12pm and sleep for 7 hours only to go to work at 8pm that night. It will be a long but very exciting adventure. The coolest part is that I love my mom and we are best friends...so spending time together is a fun vacation. Not to mention I will be down there for her 44th birthday! I am sure we will do some clubing that night to celibrate! Woo Hoo Go me! Doing my little dance as I type this...now you see why with all the excitment coming up I can't sleep! Ahh yes dream land of my adventures...

|| 9:31 AM ||

All great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction. (Marya Mannes)

Thursday, June 10, 2004


Dear Lover,

Just sitting here tonight relaxing. I have soft music on and I am sitting in the room with nothing but the light of my monitor lighting it. As I listen and sing the lyrics to the music that has touched my soul for years...the music that I turn to in the dark hours of the night...I have come to know that I fear love. I fear falling in love again and I fear that it will or will not be possible.

As the song sings of love...the songs also sings of rape and loss. I fear that my past has raped the heart that once lived with in this body. Or some how it's turned so cold that the thought of warming again to feel...to feel the warmth of love...is just a distant dream of a childhood wonderment. Magic that existed as a child when dreaming of the love of my life....has seamed to fade. Or maybe it is the fear that the magic burns, as it has in the past, now has me fighting sleep...fighting the possibility of dreaming again.

Conversations of physical pleasures are easy...as easy as drinking a glass of water when thirsty. Emotions void in those conversations though the body runs rampant with passion. I want to take that next step...I want to be the rose that opens in pure beauty for you. I want to take your hand and walk down that path in comfort. You bring me comfort....yet fear lingers deep ready to pop out of the forest like a wolf in the trees.

My heart a mosaic of broken colored glass....being pieced together as we speak. I question weather it will turn into a magnificent vase that holds natures beauties or if it will just look like...like a useless pile of colored glass. My body a wonderment to nature...baring no fruit...thus being just a tree to provide shade for the tired and weary before they move forward on their journey. My tears like the rain...make dreams muddy and unclear. Can the rain really wash away the past by putting it into the river of life that flows freely to the deep ocean to be lost forever?

My soul is anarchy....utopia is hard to find. Can you be the soldier to get through the mass confusion of my inner being? With your strong hands can you rip through the ivy vines that guard my hidden truths? May your valor of truth and pure heart guide you, with faith being your partner while we take this journey of tomorrow together. May the crimson blood of others lies be spared from your eyes as I learn to shield thee from their sins.

Fears is my captor...the guard to the top of the castle to where I live. Hope is what keeps me pacing in the room to which I am caged with reminders from the clink of the chains that fear has enslaved me to. My hands free to pray to the gods and goddesses to release me from my fearful prison. My hands free to pray to feel the warmth in my heart to love again. My hands free to pray not just for the touch of your hands on my body but the touch of your hands on my soul. Praying that you come and help take off the blind fold and mask to see the beauty that I posses. A kiss to break the spell to help end the long and painful fight.

Truth betold I need your help...truth betold I can't do it on my own as I have tried for ages with no victory to my fight. I have come to know that I could loose everything I hold so dear and I am down on my knees as I ask for help. Pride the blinding sun....has now left me to see nothing but darkness and left me cold. I don't want to be left alone in these dark ages. I will bring what tools I have with me on this journey I just can no longer go on this journey alone. I cry out...like the town crier searching for the answer from your soul.

With Love,
Your Confused Lover

|| 8:53 PM ||

All great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction. (Marya Mannes)

Saturday, May 22, 2004


Update...

Well it's been some time sense I posted any real thoughts. First of all thank you for those who fallowed the test I was greatful to see who comes and reads these thoughts.

This last week has been the week from hell. Basicly I had a pregnant parking ticket that turned into a $600 mess that I fixed this week through court. However just as I get myself out of that jam I end up in a different jam/fight. The cell phone bill came and lets just say I knew it was going to be high this month but not that high. I am currently at odds with the cell phone company in disputing it and in the process they have broken some Privacy Act laws. So this is becoming an interesting fight.

Those two things were on Monday and Tuesday thus causing me not to get a lot of sleep. If you don't remember I work 3rd shift and I work Saturday through Tuesday nights so I was working on very little sleep this week for even when I did get to sleep I was having nightmares. Monday night at work I get a fatality call...where I work we take claims for car accidents. This call happened to result in someone dying. Then Tuesday night I had two really hell type calls....just thought Wow what a way to end the work week and start the weekend. Well instead of walking on Wednesday with my friend we both had other things to do. I ended up finishing a book I had been reading at work. I am glad I finished it at home due to the last 150 pages or so had a twist that triggered old family memories. Thus leading me to cry for the rest of Wed morning.

I was able to get a four hour nap before the tall one picked me up for dinner. We are working on our friendship and even that was hard this week. I was greatful he was not pushing buttons but it lead to a very quiet dinner. Then at Block Buster I started to have a few black out spells. Lucky when I got home and got some water into my system I was fine. I went to bed fairly early that night after J left. We watched American Wedding and it made me laugh so that was a good thing.

After a few phone calls on Thursday I just slept...it was as if my body is catching up on the rest of life. My apt with the therapist was on Friday but I missed it due to they put both this week's apt and next weeks apt on the same card. This week was at 11am and next week was at 1pm. I thought it was the other way around...god I am sick of flaking out. Lucky for me they are not going to charge me for the apt. However not long after that I found out my grandfather who I am not really close with has less than a week to live. Storms in the area prevented me from driving up to see him but I did talk to him on the phone. In some ways if this was the only thing that happened this week I think I would be fine but I am not. I then spent Friday night crying my eyes out. I really would just like to call in Dead this week...just beat grandpa to the grave. Now for my readers...please know I won't do that I just need to get this crap out.

It does not help that I have been battling with depression for several weeks. I am sure like a phoenix I will rise up from the ash....just give me time to do so.

|| 6:42 AM ||

All great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction. (Marya Mannes)

Sunday, May 09, 2004


A test...

Today is not going to be a long post...as I don't feel the need to update until next week when my soul searching has gone through more of it's begining phases. This is the test....I don't feel like adding a counter to my blog but I would be intersted in seeing who reads my blog. So please take this test!

I know people don't like to always make comments on other's emotions so all that I am asking with this test is that you please take two minutes to click the comments section on my page and tell me a few things....two things to be exact. I would like to just know the first name and location of people who read my blog. If you feel the urge to put anything else about yourself or kind comments about my wacked out thoughts, that is fine and wonderful as well. However all I am asking with this test is for a name and location. The test for me is like putting a map on the wall and putting push pins in that map to where my thoughts reach. Let me give you an Example...Natalie/Wisconsin that is me! Where are you?

|| 5:11 AM ||

All great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction. (Marya Mannes)

Monday, May 03, 2004


Post monitor...

Apparently my friends are post monitoring me and getting on my butt for when I don't post! :-P Well here is my post.

I happen to be in a slight pissy ass mood this morning. Mostly the Tall Asshole still manages to affect my life. Today as I am leaving work one of my co workers asks if we got back together again or if I have heard from him. Ooops she has not been at work lately to find out about Dream Boat! So I inform her that we have broken up, that she remembers, and that I am seeing Dream Boat. She was happy to hear of my good news....however then continues to mention a few things about Tall Asshole.

Well apparently where we work they have been notified of his return to the CONUS however he has not notified work that he is back. Part of me was thankful for this piece of info because I was slightly wondering yet the other part of me is like "I don't know anything about him stop asking me!"

Yes a lot of people keep coming up to me and asking about him. Mostly people who I don't see on a regular baises and so I polietly smile and say "Nope I know nothing, we broke up and I am seeing someone new." So I am at a cross roads...half of me wants to email him and tell him "hey deal with this I am sick of dealing with your shit." The other part knows to leave it alone. I just don't want to be walking down the hall and see him...I know that is why my mind is going "if you contact first he can't get the upper hand." Mind you I think he occtionally still does and that pisses me off. I don't think it's fair to Dream Boat either. I mean for when someone asks me about him or mentions his name I get in a tizzy. It's getting less and less as time goes by and the further away from me he is. Maybe part of me wants to see him miserable with out me and to have him see how wonderful I am doing with out him. However the other part of me wants him never to come back to work....that is the bigger part of me. Maybe knowing he has turned in his two weeks or knowing he has been terminated would be the final closed door...the one that 100% lets me move forward. Don't get me wrong...I am moving forward it's just hard.

Today does not help that I have been getting crap for sleep due to the damn bongo playing idots that live next door. Plus it's been a few days sense I have heard from Dream Boat and well I would just like to hear from him...I could use the extra bit of encouragement. There was one other good thing to vent about...however due to lack fo sleep and lack of food it's sliped my mind. That's ok just means it's time for bed.

|| 6:51 AM ||

All great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction. (Marya Mannes)

Monday, April 26, 2004


Sick...
Ok so my eating habbits have caught up with me this week as I majorly majorly slacked. So I am home in bed with stomach problems and a slight fever. I don't know why I do it to myself I should know bettter than to eat motz sticks...ugg cheese and me it's a love hate relationship I tell you! However I think it was more than just that...poor Dream Boat almost heard me puke several times on the phone...I was lucky he did not. Ok back to bed for more rest.

|| 7:49 AM ||

All great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction. (Marya Mannes)

Sunday, April 25, 2004


Deep thoughts...

Tonight I am dog tired. I had an abosultely amazing evenings with an old boyfriend from highschool and his wife last night. To be honest I have been spending a lot of time with the two of them and thier girls. I don't even feel like he is my ex but just a great friend. By the time we got home from the club and I got done talking with Dream Boat I had been awake for 23 hours with a few drinks in my system. So I was able to sleep some but woke up needing to shower as I still smelled of the club. I did manage to get back to sleep but I know work is not going by fast enough because of my night of fun. I am sitting here half dreaming of my bed and it's amazing pillows.

Things with DB and I are going well...I do see a few speed bumps in the road but we will see if they will bottom out the car or if we can just get over them just fine. However I am still smitten and things do seam as if they are going well. He will be here in June as I believe I had said and things look very promissing.

Due to illness this week my work outs have been limited and food well...I eat when I can and then when I can I seam to eat a lot. I will get myself back on things tomorrow evening...as well I have some goals in mind. I can feel the tiredness from not working out and not eating/drinking water as much.

Now that I think about it...my deep thoughts have now escaped my mind and have become the blank void. That is good due to I think about things just way too much and I need to stop. I just feel like I should just stop caring but I think that is because as I said I am dog tired. Ok I am going to go before I start fully rambling in my own blog...that would be sad.

|| 4:35 AM ||

All great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction. (Marya Mannes)

Friday, April 16, 2004


Far off lands and phone bills.

Well to start off the weight loss is still going well. I have cheated a few times but I am doing well. Still doing a lot of walking and drinking water...today my friend and I walked 2 and a half miles in 82 degree weather. It was a nice walk as we got some good sweating in! Then the joy of being 2 and discovering bubbles was our reward for a good walk. My friend and I got to show her 2 year old daughter what bubbles where. I think Mom and I had more fun than the 2 year old. My friend also noticed that I am lossing already and well that I am much happier. So far those were my goals with the walking and exersize.

I also had a lovely girls night with a different friend of mine this past Wednesday. I made home made low fat alfredo and we watched Something's Got to Give...a great movie! We just relaxed as well she is a teacher and on spring break! I do my job to help the young minds of the country...I keep the ones that teach them sane! Not to mention the weather for both days of activities has been amazing....personaly if summer stayed like this I could handel it...I don't want it to get much warmer as this is as warm as I like it.

Well....there is news on the love front. I did not think this type of news would be reported this quickly after the tall one left my life. However with in days of the tall one leaving dream boat started emailing. DB as I will call him for short has been emailing almost every day and each day telling me how much I am on his mind. Plus he has called me 2 times...from GREECE and three hours each phone call! Yes DB is in the Navy and stationed in Greece currently. He is 30 years old...he has been divorced for 2 years now and has a 9 year old sweetheart of a daughter. When you ask for something in the universe...it will happen just not in the time frame you want it to. Sometimes when you want it to happen now...it may take a few years. Sometimes when you want it to take a few years...it happens now. I can't say I was looking for it as well I stumbled into it. However I have never met a sweeter man who I have so much in common with. Plus that Texan accent is a very sweet sweet voice to listen to. Not to mention...the sweet Texan laid back personality that goes with it. So we are taking a day at a time but this is going very nicely. DB also wants to come and vist me when he is on leave in June....this has lots of promiss to it however I am not going to run before I walk.

On not so fun front...the Tall one still has yet to give me my stuff back. It's starting to get to me but hopefully it will be soon. I am moving forward no matter what but I would like that closure. Oh well can't always controll things....that's ok. That's the news for now...I will keep you posted.

|| 9:53 PM ||

All great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction. (Marya Mannes)

Monday, April 12, 2004


New beginnings....with rainbows!

Well in my last entire I talked about the weather...the emotional weather. Well even though it rained that rain has nourished my soul and a beautiful rainbow has appeared. Saying goodbye to the tall one was better for my spirit than I thought. I cannot say I hate the man as it's just life's growing pains that he needs to experience. However I am angry at the way he treated me as a friend and more....time will heal that and I will forgive him down the road. However he is no longer in my life. I have come to know that my love for him brought out the best in me and the worst in me....I don't care for that any more and welcome back peace! I bless him with love and a good life...I release him in love so that I can move forward in love.

When I released the tall one in love...which was almost instantly I found something amazing. I found my heart! Then I found a personal ad! Yes thanks to the encouragement of my co workers I changed the personal ad on one web site from searching for pen pals to searching for a committed relationship. I am getting a few responses from it and it's nice. There is a Sailor right now that has caught my eye...and I his! We have a lovely dialog going back and forth via email and I just can't shake this wonderful feeling I have. As my mother says..."Girl you just know how to manifest what you want." I did...he is everything I have been asking for so far.

I have my guard up some but you know what...you live once and you better live every moment to the fullest. This man is older than I and has the experience of one marriage under his belt that produced a lovely 9 year old daughter. Now I find myself in unframilar turf four a couple reasons. Reason one is that I normally date men younger than myself....could be what keeps me falling in the black holes of my life. Reason two is I never dated a man who has a child before. I find myself totally interested and in some ways very excited as I am a step daughter and I think this will help my experience with his daughter. It is very early and maybe too early to tell but I just cannot sake this fun feeling I have. It also helps that my friends are really encouraging me on this one....after dating the tall one I need that. I am finding out just how many of my friends disliked and distrusted the tall one. I have decided the next man I date seriously...my friends and family will be involved in the picking out process. I want their total support as that is very important in a relationship. So right now I am very happy.

Oh yes and I have started to loose a few lbs. I started a new walking/moving program and cutting out soda and only eating smaller portions of food. So far soo good....I find that I want to cheat already during the first few weeks but I will not let myself. I keep telling myself if you can get through a month with out cheating then you can have a small break. I am finding it is a lot easier to do this than I thought...I guess I found will power. I have found with this new program I put myself on that my sleep has improved greatly and I have a lot more engergy. Also mental health has improved 10 fold.

So life is good....now I just need to get my stuff back from the tall one and then everything will be perfect! Life is so very sweet, brite, and colorful these days.

|| 2:03 AM ||

All great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction. (Marya Mannes)

Saturday, April 03, 2004


When it rains...it sure does pour!

So lets just say the weather forcast this week for my home state was better than my life. The tall one's home comming was well...eventful. Lets just say not enough had changed for me to say stay and lets work on it. I would have continued to do all the working for what...an asshole who needs to grow up. He wanted changes from physicall weight loss to personality changes. As much as it hurt to do so I kicked him out of my life. I know I am worth more than what he was giving. Just because one person ends things...does not make it any easier on that person. I have gone through the various stages of emotions however I know life will bounce back.

However it's given me even more motivation to get my butt in shape and get healthy. See a few weeks before he was home I was turning down the volume on my tv and got out of breath. It is then that I relised I needed to get into shape and so his request to loose weight was not that hard on me. However his request for me to stop planning things was. It did not help that he was not ready to work towards marriage either. See I am...I am ready for my adult relationship and so I said let me get your things and get you out of my life. I said no we will not be friends and that hurt him but it's what I needed to do for me.

My friend Kim and I started walking on Thursday. We are going to walk three days a week and do various exercising if we can't walk. We just started thinking that her and I both needed to start moving 20 minutes every three days and get out of the house for both our mental health and physical health. Then I also chose to do 20 minutes of sit ups and leg lifts when I am not over at Kim's house. I am just bound to try to get more into shape for my health.

Then tonight the other part to it rain's it pours is my luck with my car is starting to run out. Yes Mr Police officer pulled me over to remind me tonight I have unfinished buiness to take care of. He was cute and single so after I take care of some stuff I might have to find a way to ask him out for coffee. I was late for work and that sucked and it did not help that this happened this week but you know what...that just means next week there will be a rainbow somewhere. Ugg can't wait to be out of debt.

|| 8:47 PM ||

All great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction. (Marya Mannes)

Monday, March 29, 2004


The Train is here and loud!

Ok so I knew he would be home at any time. Well I found out he has been in the states for a week and as of tomorrow the tall one should be back in Wisconsin. I am terrified and excited. I never thought I could go through so many emotions in a matter of seconds. I have gone from crying, to laughter, to fear, to wanting to puke, to running around like a chicken with her head cut off. Over a year of waiting for this moment and I can't believe it's here.

I will see him before this week is over with and I just don't know what to think. I go from one moment wanting to end it myself to protect my heart to the next moment of everything is going to be just peachy. I don't know what to expect and that is a good thing. Part of me really wants to just kiss him and take him to bed and the other part of me just wants to sit there and talk. It's like a first date with him all over again. I just don't want to be hurt again and I know now is the time that we can figure things out and move forward. I will see him before he goes off and sees family. I am kind of hurt that I am put on a second level to his family but he has so many people wanting to see him and demanding of his time. I will be here...I always have been. I think he knows that however it would be nice just once if he put me first. I think I am scared because my happy little land of my head is now going to be invaded by his physical presence in my life.

It can't be all that bad if he is wanting to up date my computer and have us play EQ together. However I want to be so much more than just his best friend. I think we are going to be just fine...it's just the normal welcome home after a year and a half jitters. Just glad the train is here so to speak and now it's time to see what's next. Either way I will do amazing and I am very happy he is out of that country.

|| 9:10 PM ||

All great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction. (Marya Mannes)

Saturday, March 27, 2004


Hurry Up and Wait!

Well it seams as if the Army has the tall one in a limbo of sorts...I have no clue as to where he is. It's been one week sense I last talked to the tall one and no word from anyone as to where he went. I thought he was heading to one place and it feels like maybe not. Who knows really...however every ring of the phone or every knock on the door I keep expecting to hear or see him. So the light I know is close however the Army is going to make me hurry up and wait for it.

Well my body seams to be returning to some resemblance of normal. Emotionally other than me being really excited to see the tall one I am fine. It was a bit of a rough week though. I had family in town that stressed me to no end. On that one it did not help that one I had been up for 26 hours and two I am not use to a screaming 2 year old. So they are all back in their respective state and I am trying to center and find peace.

However I have been able to hang out with my ex's wife learning how to play the game that the tall one does. See the tall one plans on playing EverQuest until his eyes pop out when he gets home. I have in the past played a little with him however my ex's wife also plays with my ex so we are all planning on playing in a group when the tall one comes home. It's fun we now have another couple to hang out with...this and it helps me relate to the tall one in just one more way. However they have a 2 cats at their house so I have been dealing with the worst allergies know to man. So I am resting up today so I can head to work tonight.

That is about all that is going on with me. Just thought I would share.

|| 9:17 AM ||

All great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction. (Marya Mannes)

Saturday, March 20, 2004


The light at the end of a long year

Well blog the light at the end of a long year is here. With in the next two weeks I should see the Tall one again. This means we can move forward with our lives and answer questions that this year has brought up. It falls at a busy time for me but that is a good thing. I look forward to seeing him and sorting through the brage of emotions that is happening.

Oh yeah not to mention I am having women cycles from HELL! I hope that goes away soon so that I do not kill anything fun that is going to happen in the next few weeks. I have family coming into town this week as well. Not to mention I am going to see the Bare Naked Laides this Wednesday night. I am so excited for all the things that are coming to fruition. That and I feel like spring is officially in the air today. I mean it does help that today is the first day of spring but as I went to the post office this morning it really did feel like it. I just feel this is going to be a great summer and life is going to be just fine...it's going to need some adjustments but just fine. Talk to you soon my dear friend.

|| 10:17 AM ||

All great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction. (Marya Mannes)

Friday, March 05, 2004


Goals

Hi blog. Soo sorry to have again ignored you however I have been ignoring the world so that I could heal my body from the flu. I have been sick for a week now and bed rest and time to myself has really allowed me to heal well.

Today after a good nights rest I have come to accept a major goal....or several of them. When the tall one left my goal was to better myself while he was gone for him...as well as move out on my own. I have succeeded in doing so and in the process managed to top what I ever thought possible. However what has changed is instead of doing these things for him....I am doing them for ME!

Today I am sitting in MY apartment looking at a clean living room that is fully furnished. What is even more amazing is that I bought the furnishings myself. I look around my clean apartment and see a warm and inviting home. The long term goal was always the same...make this a wonderful home. However I had to make short term goals and some things too longer than expected but today as I sit on my new couch and read a book in the peace and quiet of my home I know I have found PEACE. A peace I don't think I could have found if someone else bought me the furniture. It was something I had to work hard for and I did. Along with all the other wonderful little things I have bought to make this place MINE!

For years I was on survival mode and I have come a long way. I look around and know I don't have to survive I can just LIVE. I am anxious for the tall one to come home and see the apartment...however I am savoring my own accoplishments like a fine piece of chocolate. I am enjoying the moments of the apartment being still with nothing but myself making the noise.

Last night though I was not feeling well it was amazing. I had Nora Jones playing on the computer...the window open to hear the rain on the roof...fresh bread baking in the oven...and I was taking care of my plants. Nothing more than me just being and I had peace. No one to demand anything of me and my plants loving me for taking care of them. It was at that moment that no one in the world mattered but me. I did not want anyone but me to be in my house...my peaceful home. Though it may have seamed like my goal was to just move into my own apartment....I have discovered how to be myself and enjoy it. I did not miss anyone and I just was.

I once thought it would be lonely to live by yourself and it was a fear of mine. However it is not something I would trade for the world. Thank you higher powers for knowing what I needed. I hope that the tall one gets to experience this as well. I will do my best to not push for a next step so he can savor all his experiences as they come.

I did have a few friends stop by to see how I was feeling and it was nice to sit in the living room for once. I am no longer a child but a happy well adjusted Adult. Peace and happiness are just so wonderful and you are the only one who can find it. No one can find it for you and no one can be it for you. Only you can be it. I hoped that the tall one being gone would help me learn how to be more independent in a healthy way....and it so has! I am nervous about his return as it is coming soon....yet excited.

It was in his absence that I learned what he always knew. I look forward to working at rediscovering each other. I pray we have not grown to far apart...though I think in truth all of this has brought us together. It is in this time that I have discovered who I am and what I want and that can only be amazing for us. It can only benefit us in the long run. He is the love of my life...yet he is not my WHOLE LIFE. I know I am a better woman for him being in my life and yet I know he does not have to consume me and make my choices for me. I am blessed with him, my family, my friends, and MY OWN PEACE! Today is an amazing day...rain giving food to the earth and my soul.

|| 11:59 AM ||

All great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction. (Marya Mannes)

Friday, February 20, 2004


Children...

Some people are born to have children and do. Some people have children who were not born to. Then there are those who are born to have children and will have difficulty. It is this last group that I found I may now fall in. I know as of lately I had been torn on if I wanted children or not but when the news came from the doctor that to have children I would have to jump through hoops...it kind of hurt that my choice as a woman was taken away.

Now I do know that I am young and with medical technology I would have many options if I chose to take the path of being a mother. However that still cannot brace you for the pain of knowing that the one thing your body should be able to do it's not going to be easy to do. However today is a new day...and in some ways this opens so many more doors to me. The tall one was not sure if he wanted children either...this allows us to focus on us. This allows us the freedom to travel and do things we want to do. This allows us to spoil children rotten that are not ours and give them back. Or if we chose we could be foster parents as those are parents of the heart not blood. So many different options for us and so today is a little brighter.

|| 6:57 AM ||

All great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction. (Marya Mannes)