Tuesday, January 27, 2004


Anger Building

In my soul I feel the anger building like a cat ready to pounce on it's pray! This morning as I sit here with my fingers clicking on the keys to get out the emotions bubbling inside I try to ponder where the anger is coming from and what it is directed at. I don't want to miss direct this anger that I feel coming but I don't know who or what caused it or what direction it should go. I have some ideas but pin pointing it is like trying to find a golden thread in a hay stack.

I feel as if I am fighting everything in life ranging from sleep to love. I have the gloves on and I am trying to fight with out getting down and dirty. I am trying not to give a sucker punch that will only come back to gut me. I feel as if I am up against the ropes against the inside of my heart and well I feel the underdog. My favorite spot to be...the under dog...when no one knows what to expect and hidden strength for the fight shows up! Like the last cavalry showing up to win the final battle. I am not going to give up...but what can I learn from this moment? What can I learn with my back yet again against the ropes? The corner feels empty it's me against the world again! It is I defending the innocent of my heart...the love from with in. Don't blow out that candle....don't turn off that light. Swing swing...jab jab....hop hop...run run...swing jab hop run! Down...down...down!

|| 8:21 AM ||

All great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction. (Marya Mannes)

Monday, January 26, 2004


Generations and the same story

Yesterday evening I called my mother to inform her I had written about the bar. I said you know mom of all the things I remember most about the bar was fun with the bar sink and the bottle shoot. My mom started to laugh hard and of course I thought it was because of the topic I chose to talk/write about. Now normally when my mother laughs I don't ask as well...I don't really wanted to know what is in that twisted head of hers. However curiosity getting the better of me I asked her what was so funny.

She then proceeds to tell me about how in middle school she wrote a short paper about the same bottle shoot! She goes "And yet another generation is hit by 'the bottle shoot'." After we both settled down and stopped laughing at how we really are cut from the same checked cloth I proceed to ask her a few questions. I explained to my mother that my story I wrote about yesterday was my 5-6 year old perspective of the bar. How I may have had some "inaccuracies" to the truth but what can I do as I was 5-6 years old. So I ask my mother "How did the 'bottle shoot' really work?" I mean I knew at the top of the bar there was a tin can type of pipe that lead down to the basement that you dropped bottles down. I remember in the basement the broken glass and the cousins cleaning it up. However what was bugging me and what I could not remember is "What did they do with all the broken glass?"

So here is the explanation of what I was given by my mother...it amazes me how something so simple has my attention as a child and now as an adult. So here in a short story form is the life of a beer bottle at "Fox's Tavern." The bottle comes to the tavern via beer distributor A, I don't recall what type of beer grandpa sold, in a case. Bob walks in says "Hey Fox GIVE ME A BEER!" Grandpa thus opens the bottle, pours the beer and gives it to Bob. Knowing Grandpa aka Fox he not only gave Bob the beer but some wise ass crack to go with it. Ahh Grandpa always the rebel and sensitive soul in one. Ahh yes must tell more Fox stories in this blog as some of them are legendary, plus seeing he is now passed this will be a great way to document him for generations to come. Ok back to the life of the beer bottle at "Fox's Tavern." So after Grandpa is finished pouring the beer into the glass he drops it down the bottle shoot, if he was not saving it for us grand children to do. The bottle then winds it's way down the shoot like a child going down a covered slide. At the bottom of the shoot there was wires to catch the bottles so that they could be put back in the cases they came from to be sent back to distributor A.

Apparently where the broken glass from my memory came from was that well because beer bottles were made of glass they would still break in the process of going from floor one (the bar) to the basement. As the beer shoot was made out of metal...kinda like a really long coffee can going from the bar to the basement. Then the wire on the bottom was like chicken coop wire. See remember how I mentioned that punishment for my cousins was cleaning up the glass...I found out that in truth it was my cousins who had to go down and empty the bottle shoot. Meaning they took the bottles that were not broken off the wires and put them back into the cases to be returned. I found out that Grandpa was the only one who cleaned up the broken glass. However the cousins still had to becarefull when emptying the shoot for the broken glass was all around it.

When growing up in the bar my mom had to empty the bottle shoot with her two older sisters frequently...as it was a nightly chore when you own a bar. Many a fights broke out with my mother and aunts over that chore as they hated doing it. Mom could not eat dinner unless one of the sisters emptied the shoot! Being that this was the only bar in the one horse town and Friday night fish fry was the happening thing Grandpa would frequent many trips down to empty the "bottle shoot" into a garbage cans. Thus making the Saturday morning a big day to empty the shoot/garbage cans.

I know have more information on such a random topic than I ever thought possible. And guess what? So do you! I just thought I would share the fun facts that I found out just because I wrote a story!

|| 5:10 AM ||

All great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction. (Marya Mannes)

Sunday, January 25, 2004


I love this bar...

I have had Tobey Keith's song "I love this bar" stuck in my head lately. His song reminds me of the bar that is across the street from my apartment, with it's great food and down home atmosphere. I love that song and the bar...as both bring back childhood memories. See as a child my grandparents owned the only tavern in a small one horse type of town. Everyone in the town knew the bar and came to the bar...it was the social spot as well as the only place to get the best fish fry every Friday night! This is the same bar my mother grew up in and the same bar I spent the first few years of my life living above. I think having The BAR in my life has allowed me to see the power of alcohol at an early age, but this is not a political rant as it is a leisurely stroll down memory lane.

Some children have great adventures in their back yard with tree forts...however in my family we had great adventures at "The Bar." See my cousins and I would fight over who got to wash the glasses in the bar...yeah you heard that right children fighting to do dishes! See grandpa had installed a cool machine in the bar to help wash the glasses faster so that he could fill them faster.

Just like shiny objects please an infant...fun cleaning toys entertain children. Hell to this day I wish I had something like this in my house to clean all the glasses I have. This Willy Wonka type cleaning machine was built so that car wash type sponges were in a sink full of soapy hot water and would spin when you pushed a glass down on top of them. Ok so maybe this explains A LOT about my toys these days but that again is for a later date and time. So back to our little story at hand. Well our little hands would hold the top of the glass as they spun out of control thus getting water all over the place and splashing everyone! Thus probably causing more mess than just having the adults wash them but we would beg and plead to wash them. After our water mess you could hear the innocent giggle of five year olds when getting people wet. I guess because I was one of the younger cousins it was always fun for me to wash the glasses as it allowed me to be "cool" like the "older" kids.

Right next to the Willy Wonka type glass cleaning sink was the "Bottle Shoot!" Yes those beer bottles have to go somewhere people and they go down The Bottle Shoot. Grandpa would always save us empty bottles that people were done with so us grandchildren could come behind the bar and drop them in "THE SHOOT." It must have been a strange and yet normal thing for people of this town to hear the voice of a child going "BOMBS AWAY!!!" from behind a bar. As we would drop them down the shoot and hear the crash of glass shattering! BANG! CRASH! SHATTER! WOO HOO! Another one bites the dust!

However the land of scary things happened to be in the basement or that is what the grandparents made us believe. I think it was more because they did not want us to cut our selves on all the broke glass that was down there from the bottle shoot! It did not help that the older boys would always scare the girls telling us about spiders and other scary things that hid lurking in the shadows of the basement. I personally would only go in the basement if Mom, grandpa or grandma would go with. However when my older cousins were bad and well old enough to do so they had to clean the bottom of the bottle shoot! My grandparents sold the Bar before I was ever old enough to ever have to clean the glass up. Plus the boys were often bad and often cleaning the shoot!

I remember Easter egg hunts in the bar where we would all compare what we got in our baskets in the big tan leather booths. Dumping the Halloween candy in the kitchen of the bar and trading with the others...getting rid of the candy you did not like and giving it to the others for one kind you did like. Then the pizza oven that made Tombstone pizza! I mean it was so cool an oven just for Pizza! I also recall sitting in the bars kitchen helping grandma getting the fish ready for fish fry! Then she would make me a cheese burger and fries to eat for lunch if I was not having pizza. To this day still it is Tombstone is the only frozen pizza I can eat. Now if you thought the glass cleaning machine was fun "THE JUTE BOX" was even better! Ok so I am sure none of this interests any of you however...to a child all these things were super duper amazing things!

Ahh yes I remember going up and begging Grandpa for a quarter to play the "Jute box." As it was always easier to smile and flash my great big baby doll blue eyes at him to get what I wanted, well when it came to money at least. However if I wanted cookies that was not Grandpa's department as it was Grandma's so I went to Grandma for fresh home baked chocolate chip cookies. (I still can't bake like Grandma but I am trying.) However if Grandpa would not play our songs...we could always charm one of the afternoon guests into giving us a quarter. I swear between my cousin and I we wore out the LP of Elvira on that jute box. I still to this day do not know why we loved that song so...I think it might have to do with the "Um bapa Um bapa mow mow" (ok not sure how to spell that part of the song) but we would sit in the booths of the bar with our Sherly Temples and sing our hearts out...this was way before kareokee! We were the glam girls of the bar! That is before we were told we needed to go for our naps...nothing like a good nap to spoil your fun!

As I sit here and write this post, editing it over and over again to make sure the "feel" of it is just right, the flood gates of memories have opened. I could go on and on about this bar...as it was the place we went for Christmas each year and other various holidays. Games played in the bar, the endless supply of chips and snacks, and all the good family memories. However tonight will share just a few...as I long to be in the BAR I love most!

|| 12:24 AM ||

All great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction. (Marya Mannes)

Saturday, January 24, 2004


Day 365

The rise of the sun shows the freshly fallen snow from yesterday on day 365. Only a short year ago did the world literally seam bleak and gray. I cried my eyes out that day...the day you left. Not even the sweet rays of sun beams could have dried those salty tears that day. Little did I know that my journey would bring me to a sunny day a year later. I can't honestly say that I have moved on for there will forever be a spot in my heart for you. However what I can say is motion is slowly turning like a sprocket that needs a little oil. Life continues today and you are not in my life. I hope today brought you some peace knowing that the light at the end of your tunnel will soon bring you back to the shores of home. Your country will look new to you as your eyes will have changed. The people in your life will look different to you...down to the hairs on their head, the beds they sleep in, and the emotions that go with you and them.

We get a framiliar stranger back to us when you return...one I don't get to know for you shut that door way before "us" ever started. Out of all the fortunes we ever opened I saved ONE...it told me "Peace is where you find it." I never thought about it really but this is the fortune I saved. I don't even think it was the first one you gave me however it does hold true to my heart. A year ago I thought this would be the year from hell...as it turns out it was the year in peace. Well for myself at least.

Demonds of troubled a passed have now left my spirit and love shines there instead. Peace is where I found it...in my heart. It was there with me all the time and yet...I myself was to blind to see it. My days of tears may not have passed, as you had always called me your leaky faucet. However it was this leaky faucet that watered the flowers of love with in my heart. It was the salt of my tears that allowed the sweet taste of love to be that much sweeter and peace of mind to be restful.

365 days of a journey that I thought was to be more about you has turned into my journey. I thought that I would prove to you how I could change...however the only person I proved it to was myself. Bless you child as your journey continues...may these days that brought you life's hardship turn you into a man. May the bitterness you tasted remind you of the sweet to come in your life. I pray that you find balance in your journey as I have in mine. Pray thee with your new eyes see the light that you are and continue to be that light to yourself and those around you. You were the light house that saved me through the rough storm and it is now my turn to thank thee and allow myself to continue on to the next safe port. 365 days new today! Today is a new day, a new dawning, and a new era.

|| 9:05 AM ||

All great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction. (Marya Mannes)

Friday, January 23, 2004


Distant City

Today as I lay in my pillow bed I look out the window of my apartment and see natures snowy white kisses hit the roof of the building I live in. I live in this building that reminds me nothing of the area I live in. It's like living in a distant city...maybe what I believe you might discover in New York or Chicago. Those cities may not be distant to most but to this small Midwestern girl who longs to leave this state it's a billion plus miles away.

This building is like an old framilar community that I call home, yet like no home I have ever known before. Being here in my solitude watching the flakes fall I am reminded of simple beauty. How simple life can be and how wonderfully depressing we are compared to nature. Heat of my apartment surrounds me and my heart today as I watch a story of life unfold. No calls to disturb me...no place I must go, just me and my apartment. The noises of the streets below are hushed by the thick walls of brick that surround me. Red brick of the clay of the earth build my building and keep me safe. I look out my windows and see the apartment across the way as we have a roof top that separates us. A mound of snow forms on this roof as to block me out from the rest of the world. I long to plant a garden there this summer so that every time I peak out my stained glass windows I see nothing but more color coming through. Plats are natures true paint brush of colors.

I want to plant the seeds of my life on this little roof and watch as ivy grows to the sky. I want to see dreams and plants flourish in the wonderful sun that it receives. I must say that laying in bed watching the sun rise and the snow fall is a spectacular site. Now all that I long for is that person to hold me tight from behind to watch it with me...where we just be and lay together. This is the dream of the distant city I have... yet...I am there.

|| 12:50 PM ||

All great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction. (Marya Mannes)

Thursday, January 22, 2004


Dawning of a new day...

Blog I want to tell you something...I think maybe I should give up sex. Well to be honest I think I have already as it's been close to a year now sense I had it. However I think that I want something so special and mind blowing that I think it might be worth waiting for again. I want passion like I was 16 again...I want someone to look into my baby blues and say "You're amazing and I never want to leave your side. I want to wake up every morning laying next to you and your amazing spirit and beauty." In truth I am just sick of being the work horse of a relationship. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me...the person who can't wait to call and ask how my day was.

I want a balanced relationship where we both adore the time we share together and life to have fun together. I want an endless supply of hugs and kisses...affection in the relationship. I want the man who holds my hand as if it was the prize of his life when we walk places together. I want the man who stays up with me at night and we talk until the sun kisses the country and the city. Cuddle until the dawning of a new day where we then go naked to the kitchen to cook food for our souls. I desire the laughing and giggling that fills our bodies as we lie back in bed for a glorious Sunday morning of just being us.

|| 6:41 AM ||

All great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction. (Marya Mannes)

Wednesday, January 21, 2004


Done!

Thank you for understanding the construction of the site. If I am missing anyone who wants their link up on the left leave it in the comments section and I will work on adding it.

I wish my life was as easy to put together as my web log has been. However with a little time everything falls into place just have to keep plugging at it. I know I have hit rough patches before so hard times and I are best friends. In truth I don't find this time in my life hard as it is reflective. I have found so many moments of great joy recently and that is a nice change of pace. I am at a cross roads and like the picture on the blog I am a sun rise turning into a beautiful day. I will keep this post short tonight as my mind is not in the "Fun" or deep writing mode. I am just chill tonight and work has been very busy to keep my mind off of other subjects.

|| 1:46 AM ||

All great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction. (Marya Mannes)

Tuesday, January 20, 2004


Up dates almost done!

Thank you for being patient with me as I give me new home a new look! I still have web links to put up but those will be done shortly as I NOW know how to put them up. I have half of the links up I would like.

I am enjoying the look of the log more and more. I am so glad I got the encouragement from my CT friends to make it different and my own!

|| 9:51 PM ||

All great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction. (Marya Mannes)

Monday, January 19, 2004


Log Under Construction

If you have been reading my blog you may have noticed some changes. I am trying to become high tech and learn how to make this page a home to my words as my apartment is home to my body and soul. So bare with me as the changes are being made. Now you are at least able to email any thoughts you care to share. I hope to be adding some links and a comments section soon. Thanks for your patients with the developing log.

|| 8:30 AM ||

All great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction. (Marya Mannes)

Another Pot Hole

My conversation with Pastor has really hit home and given food for thought.
I enjoy talking to Pastor and thank him for taking time to talk with me even though we are of two different faiths. That day Pastor talked of a man who walked the path of life every day. Each day that man took the same path to the same destination. On this path that the man took daily there were pot holes and weeds along with other things that caused him to stumble. One day the man who was so sick of hurting himself chose to go down a different path that lead to the same destination he went to daily. However this new path that he chose was amazing for it had vibrant flowers, sweet smelling fresh grass and no things in his way to bruise himself on as he walked. The man made one change by going on a new path and lived a happier life because he was no longer getting bruised or hurt daily.

Pastor then confided in me that maybe I was this man. That maybe what was I doing different or the same had allow me to stumble in the same dark holes of emotions that prevented me from moveing forward on my own sweet path. So being the "thinker" I am I have been pondering this for a week or two here. Today the lesson very much hit home.

I had a dear friend tell me that my current actions in my love life may not be the best suited for me. That maybe I should find some local person vs turning into the computer the way I have. Then this same friend suggested yahoo personals to find more singles in my area. I instantly felt my body reject this idea and could tell the point I was trying to make was not getting across on the computer, so I called that friend. I then asked the friend to stop suggesting it and stop pushing it as I did not feel ready for it. This is a new dear friend and sadly this friend had no clue of my past to know why the reaction was coming so strong. So I had informed this friend that I had taken this path before and it lead to more bruises than I care to even share. I was proud of myself for not allowing my friend to push me down that same path of pain again. ((HUGS)) to my friend for you read this blog and well...I know you did not mean for that to happen.

I have some personal battles coming up that I don't know their exact date or time yet but I know they are coming and I must be ready for them. Thanks to pastor I am reflecting on my past to know what not to do for tomorrow. My thoughts have lead me to the fact that I just have to stop thinking. Stop nit picking every detail in things people say and just live. This is why I want to just get in my car and go...fallow my hormones to have a passionate affair with a wonderful stranger with great eyes. Wish him a safe journey and come back home to new energy to move forward. I want to live each day as if it were my last. I must force my mind to slow down and just flow. Allow the moods as they come but then remember to breath them out and let them go.

I need to embrace my aggressive side and just be who I am. Be the butterfly I know how to be! I thank you blog for being here as a non judgmental outlet for the thoughts of my mind. When I sit here in front of you I just flow like the wild rivers of the west. I take off the porcelain mask that I put up daily that camouflages the spirit that lies with in. You ask nothing of me and tell me nothing in return. You just exist for me and only me like my own personal outlet to my plug. You turn the light on inside of me and allow me to shine.

|| 4:19 AM ||

All great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction. (Marya Mannes)

Sunday, January 18, 2004


Passion

I long for a long hot steamy of passion. I don't want to think.. I just want to let our bodies roam like wild animals in the wide open. I desire to rip cloths off and kiss every square inch of you're body while you're moaning is musical delights for my ears. I want to see the stars of ecstasy while chills of pleasure ripple my body after the release of power has been made. I want the bed to have an ebb and flow like the powerful ocean tides.

I want the light of a 50 candles to show our sweet glistening bodies as they move with each other to the rhythm of natures drums. Then throw ourselves on the pillows of the Gods to catch the breath that Eros just took from our mouth. Lay still in the embrace of passion until our bodies rise in the heat again. Feed our desires with the flesh of temptation and decadence of the human spirit. Electric blues gazing at you with a longing only a starved desert knows as it's longing for water.

|| 5:28 AM ||

All great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction. (Marya Mannes)

Saturday, January 17, 2004


Unknown Title

Sorry I have neglected you blog as I have been having way too much fun and creating stories to write about! I mean one does need a little bit of a life or you turn into this deep hole of nothing. Mind you I may not have left my house much but I did have a blast with some good friends.

The dreams have calmed but the sleep is off sense the last time we had our little conversation together. Ahh the life of a 3rd shifter...tonight will be a hard night at work for I feel the drain of lack of sleep kicking me in the butt. But we will come back to today/tonight a little later!

Wednesday started off great! In the last hours of work I received a call that a dear friend of mine had a little baby girl! Her name is Jennifer and she is a perfect sweet little angel! I saw her Wednesday night for four hours and she never cried. She just was a little sweet pea in my arms and she is the little sister to two proud young boys. Watch out guys this little girl will have some very protective big brothers down the road. After spending time finding peace while holding innocence I went home and feel asleep however the dream world or life woke me up early! I was also lucky to spend several hours with Jennie and her family on Friday as well when I brought lunch to feed the whole family. I figured mom would be tried and not wanting to cook and instead of getting the baby a gift she will not remember anyway I saved mom from cooking one day. Let me tell you feeding a family of six is expensive! But holding that little baby was again was worth it as she is a sweet pea and I was absolutely adorable! I don't think I want a baby now but she is a good fun baby to visit...maybe one day I will have a little sweet pea of my own.

Because of the baby my plans for Wednesday night were moved to Thursday and oh let me tell you the fun of this random Thursday. I cooked an amazing dinner to nourish my body and that of two friends. One of which went home early but I will see her another day and it was lovely catching up with her. Then my friend Amy bless her heart, stayed and helped me with a personal project. Yes...I gave myself a New Years Ego boost with a big helping of Ego cake! Amy took some of the most amazing pictures of myself that I never knew I had the confidence to take. I'd like to thank the "Stray cat" that walked into my life and encouraged me to be bold and daring! You know who you are as you just got the link to my conversations with my blog.

I have to say for the first time in 2 and a half years I feel amazing about who I am, what I am, and how I look. The winds of change brought freedom that then brought sass that in turn brought beauty and confidence back to my life. I know that I have shared these photos with friends and family....however they were taken for me! As a reminder to me that I am beautiful and worth it! The past could never see the beauty of what is today...if he sees it when he returns that is his loss. I have come to know that when I talk about him the beauty drains from my face and soul, this I don't like. The beauty drains from me like a bad leak in a good foundation of my personal home, he is no longer allowed to drain me. I am glad for freedom...I did not know how badly I needed it. I bless him and release him for I always want to stay beautiful!

I look forward to the new day to the new year and to the new me! I am grateful for the wonderful ego boost weekend.

|| 9:36 PM ||

All great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction. (Marya Mannes)

Thursday, January 15, 2004


Why do you haunt me?

Hey you..yeah you! You know who you are! Why do you keep haunting my dreams and lurking in the dark corners of my mind and coming out when I sleep? Why do you need to lurk in my heart and mind? I am sick of this...really sick of this! I am trying to move with my life and you hide and pop out at the good times to remind me that I am always going to be haunted by you. I hate that I still want you to be here....I hate that I allow you to haunt me. Or do I? You're not all that. You hurt me more times than I can count and yet I still adore you...why the fuck is that! What is it that you have done for me or was it because I invested in you like you were the latest stock to make money off of? Well I stepped up to the table and laid it down on the line for you...all of what I had...and you just took it and threw it away like I was yesterday's news paper.

You come to me in my dreams to hurt me and that is so fucked up! Am I so use to you hurting me that I have manifested it into my dreams? Yet you know the core of me and know that if you smile and say something sweet I just let you run back into my life. Love makes me strong and love makes me weak and it's been a long time sense you made me feel week in the knees in the good way. It's been an eternity sense you made me feel good...so why is it I am still haunted by you?

|| 4:33 AM ||

All great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction. (Marya Mannes)

Wednesday, January 14, 2004


Cheesecake!

Tonight my obsession is about cheese cake! How the creamy textures just hit our mouth and take you to heaven in a bite! I swear there are amazing things you could do with cheese cake...besides eat it.

I just long to blind fold you and lay you on my bed with 30 candles lit in the room and soft music going. While you lie there on my bed I just feed you life's sweetest treat...cheese cake! I want to lick the trail of chocolate that I made with my finger all the way down to your man hood. I want to watch you marvel from it's sweetness and my sweetness while you squirm with anticipation of the next bite. I long to have you wondering what the next thing will be. Will it be my hands roaming you're body, my lips kissing yours or chocolate decadence in bed. Hmmmm just dreaming of you today!

|| 5:55 AM ||

All great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction. (Marya Mannes)

Monday, January 12, 2004


Cheese

You know growing up in the cheese state it never occurred to me that other states did not get the same types of cheese that we get. I mean I can go to the store and get 30 different kinds of cheese! Well in my adventure to give a gift to someone (cheese) I discovered THE COW! Yes that is right I found a blow up cow...that will be given to the same person as a travel companion. This cow has just taken on a life of it's own. She will be a more well traveled than I am. I mean this cow is about to go to a very very nasty place called Iraq where she will mingle with Marines. I can't say I am jealous because well 155 degree heat and sand just does not sound like fun to me. However I am jealous due to well she might see more male ass than I will. For I have been warned that these Marines might do lude things to my Cow!

Well I told my dear friend who is getting the cow that he is getting the cow udder..heheh under a few conditions. Condition number 1: The Marines not my friend must name the cow! The more crude the name the funnier to me. Condition number 2: That he must take the cow with him when he goes to various places in Iraq. Like if my friend goes to one of Sadam's old Castles that the cow must got with and have it's picture taken there. Also any crude acts that are done to the cow...like when a marine de flowers her I must receive photos. My friend is attached to the marines and plans on up dating his log with photos of my cow and her adventures! Condition number 3: That she occasionally gets a bath...I mean come on sand in her any where might get her cranky! I said I don't think the marines need Mad Cow STD or anything. My friend also informed me that she might be in some talent shows so I said that Condition number 4: I want to see video of any performances she gives!

This has turned my frown into a smile! I have been having so much fun with this idea that I look forward to seeing her adventures. Apparently my friend is going to try to hook my cow up with some cute male dates when over there! Ok so maybe he is going to take pictures of her with some hot men to email back to me. Thanks Sean your great! She may even get to meet Sgt Hot Lips and get to make out with him before I would get the chance. Lucky cow!

I would have to say that this week is a much better week. There is a promise of hope in the air and life is a smile this week. Men are entertaining me and keeping me hopeful of what may come down the road. I don't know if anything at the moment is serious but I am keeping my Options Open. Ahh the land of cheese has brought a cheesy smile to my face! Life is grand today!

|| 1:21 AM ||

All great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction. (Marya Mannes)

Friday, January 09, 2004


Time flies when your having fun.

It truly amazes me our concepts of time...like I knew I had not posted in a few days but I had not realized just how many days. I guess the reason for the delay is I had gone with in myself to analyze recent life events. I was also letting my body rest and prepare for the spiritual journey it has taken in the last few days. My minds concept of time is so off it's kind of funny. I don't know what way is up and what way is down...I don't know if it is Tuesday or Saturday at times. Part of that has to do with my body clock always being off due to working third shift and the other part has to do with life's dance with love.

One my work week was done this week I was able to have a lovely visit with Pastor. People ask me why if I am not Christian I seek the advice of a Pastor. Well I tell them just because one person chooses to put a different name on their spirituality does not mean I can't talk to them. Pastor gives me great insight into my own soul and the souls of those around me that I wish I could go to his church more often but due to my body clock and work clock I am not able to go regularly. Pastor pointed out that I was board in life...that I was board at work and that in my relationship I was board. Maybe I manifested some of the fights and kept going down the same street with the same pot holes...thus causing the boredom in loves routine. That it is I that has to be responsible for looking out for my boredom and change life's path when I keep falling in life's black holes. That only I can chose how to communicate, love, and deal with others in my life. That only I am responsible for Natalie and I need to start analyzing myself and not others actions...I need to analyze my actions. As I was leaving Pastor's office that morning he asked me, "Why are you wearing open toed shoes in the middle of Wisconsin winter?" I told Pastor with a smile "Because I am different." Pastor just smiled and said "OK." It's nice to be able to accept yourself and be ok with your differences.

After talking with Pastor on Wednesday I was able to rest and have amazing dreams. Dreams of signing and dancing and acting. Dreams of getting out of the house and being loved and adored for my talents and sparkling in the most raw of forms. For I have discovered my true voice again...both in writing, thought, spoken word, and those that my body sings. I have re-discovered the music in my life, the music of my soul, and the rhythm of my life. I have claimed my spirit and no one shall claim it from me at this time.

I have discovered that though my heart has broken by one there are others who long to fill that void for me. Others that catch my eye through their words and have me sprung like a bad leaking faucet. This person is aware of who he is and allows me to write what ever comes to my mind in my emails to him as if he were my taxi driver for my taxi confessions. Then others are dying to whisk me away to their homes to allow the wonderful spirit that they see heal with their presence in my life. Thus filling my time and allowing me to enjoy the attention that this soul has lacked for so long. I have partaking in eating so much ego cake and candy the last few days that my soul should have a cavity.

Then Thursday I was given a gift of a loved one coming through and letting me know how much better I could do and yet that loved one has allowed an open door for support if I should so chose a path to love that person that he feels I could do better. Paul my wonderful source of information of my faith has shown me how rich I am. That real money is not a concern for me, that Madison is my home and roots are what I need now. With occasional wings to travel and get out for a time and enjoy the finer things of life...like friends. That all I desire to know shall be revealed to me in the next 3 months...that I need TIME and patients. The one lesson I have not learned in life is that it's ok if it did not happen yesterday...it may happen tomorrow but to be open to anything. I need to accept life as it comes in the time that it comes in.

Today I have cleaned my apartment. For even though I had posted that I had cleaned it recently...I truly had not. Time was not ready for my life to come into order and today I am ready. I am sitting and listening to music from a time in my life with many cross roads and I remember that time clearly. I remember not knowing what direction life was going as I was a teen and we never know what direction we are going when we are a teen. I listen to these same songs 10 years later and know that time has been good to me even though some lessons had to be learned the hard way. That I know all I am going through during this cross roads will leave me a better woman because of it. I don't have the anger and tears that I had as a teen...I see the light and the darkness is no longer. Just another perception of time...time is always constant just how we measure it is what changes.

So tonight I will enjoy life's highs with friends as we celebrate my old roommates birthday. I will not be board this weekend for life has shown me the light again this week. Yes the clouds are gone this week and the BOB (aka Big Orange Ball...thanks to a sweet man for that term) is lighting my apartment and life is good. Now the question is do I buy the Pecaso like painting that I saw in the store down stairs? It has an abstract realism that just gets under my skin. Even though it would match nothing I already own, it fits my life.

|| 2:57 PM ||

All great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction. (Marya Mannes)

Monday, January 05, 2004


Photographs

I came across some photographs tonight as I was feeling reflective of the past. I look into your eyes and I wonder what in the hell is going to be. I feeling nothing and everything all at once. Maybe she is right for you and thought the wonderful light with in me shines I am not to be your light. Who's light am I to be besides my own?

I see the smiles of the past and are they to be the smiles of the feature? I see the crystal blue of your eyes and yet it feels like a warm ice that I knew for too long. I see those sweet full lips and I long for the days of endless kisses. Days of melting into strong arms of love and kindness. I don't know where those kind eyes and arms have gone...war killed you and yet your still walk.

You laughter has faded as has your smell. My memories are distant and yet so vivid. Days of recent past were like grasping to air when falling and now I am just in a frozen limbo. Eyes move but my tong and heart stay still...no feeling, not tasting just seeing life move. Cold chills race through the body as life moves forward. Strength alludes me at rare moments and finds me like a child that sneaks behind to scare you. For years if one expects me to cry I don't...if one expects me to sit I stand. Nothing is done out of what people expect but that of my heart. However when one cannot read their heart what is to be done?

|| 3:09 AM ||

All great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction. (Marya Mannes)

Sunday, January 04, 2004


Decadence

Tonight I feel like indulging in decadence and sass. Tonight as I was driving into work I was simply wild. The joy of knowing in your heart what is next is amazing...knowledge has allowed me a night of sweet relief. Tonight I walk a little taller...step a little sexier...and taste the sweetness of chocolate on my pallet.

Laughter from the pit of your soul that fills a room...that brings you to tears. Ahh life is sweet right now.

|| 4:10 AM ||

All great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction. (Marya Mannes)

Saturday, January 03, 2004


Numbers and more numbers

Yesterday I chose that I must move...I must go and drive. I went to see 2 of my closest friends, Jen and her husband Ken. We had a lovely dinner at 1 place that could only be of my childhood decadence. I grew up in Milwaukee and currently I only have friends that live there but Milwaukee will always be Home to me. You know the place where you go to because you grew up eating their food or where you can run into old friends around the corner when at the mall. It was lovely to be Home for 1 night.

I can't say why but driving is always cleansing for me...driving by myself especially. It is when I let the music of the radio reach the deepest of my soul and at the loudest of levels. It seamed yesterday that the higher powers wanted my soul to remember the beautiful memories of him. Songs of our 2 years together as my car drove closer to 50,000 miles. I don't know why that number stands out to me...maybe because I had hoped that when my car reached that number he would be home. That 340 plus days seamed so far away at first and amazing how they went by so quickly. It's simply amazing how so much has changed while remaining the same.

After being up for 32 hours I finally laid my head to rest on my 4 beautiful new pillows. I managed to get 6 solid hours of sleep before my neighbors laughed their way into my sleep and woke me at 7 AM. So I sit here getting some thoughts out as I prepare to go back to sleep so I can work my next 4 days and rest for the emotional journey I feel will round out week 1 of my new changes. For next weekend I seek spiritual guidance from 2 sources so that I may move with free conscious.

My life path is moving at a fast rate and apparently I realized this last night when going 65 MPH and seeing the miles clime on my car. Something so simple as the number of miles you put on your car reflect your life. Are they highway miles or city miles...are they love miles or hate miles? Are they freedom miles or chained miles? I see nothing but numbers this morning as I lay in bed...just 1.

|| 7:30 AM ||

All great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction. (Marya Mannes)

Friday, January 02, 2004


I Miss My Friend

As time goes by one could make a relationship more romantic than it was or one could just see nothing but the horrible moments. I find as the days pass I see both and nothing at the same time. I am more neutral about the whole thing...wondering if it will hit me at all and yet wondering did I miss it emotions? I wonder if they hit me in the last few months before the "ending." Tonight as I was talking to someone, getting a male perspective on things as I have not done that yet, I was reminded of the great moments. I was not reminded of the moments of traditional romance...for that was never our thing to begin with. I was reminded of great friendship moments that could only be shared with someone who was not only your friend but you are intimate with.

I was reminded of all the laughter and the joy. I was able to see the best friend I had so long forgotten due to space and time. Does that man exist? Does it even matter...because does that girl exist anymore? Daily I find things to laugh at and new joys to wonder at. New friendships in my life form daily and I know that as I write this I am blessed. The tools of magic have reappeared in my life as of late. Goddess wants the me to start using them again for tonight I did a Tarot reading for a friend. I then grabbed the Oracle and asked it what path my love has in store for me. The Oracle said "The Palm Reader sees a curving marriage line: the circumstances will change for the better." Thus giving me hope...but hope with Whom is the real question.

Is this the calm before or after the storm...what is to come? I know past has allowed me to know how to forgive, how to be strong, and how to forge through the darkness and the light. What tools will I need today...old habbits are hard to break.

|| 6:00 AM ||

All great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction. (Marya Mannes)

Thursday, January 01, 2004


HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Well one year gone and another one to begin. Started cleaning the apartment tonight and doing a taking out of the trash and discovered items of John's that I still have at my apartment. Well lets just say I have some items that need to go back to his house that will create drama no matter how nicely I try to avoid it. You know I think when you have an open and honest relationship with your parents they should never have to discover things in your house/apartment/room if you ever passed befor them. I mean come on let the shock really happen when you are able to witness it for yourself. Ok here it goes...Mom and Dad I have porn and toys so please don't ever be shocked if I die before you to discover those items. Wait I don't need to put that in my blog for them to know for I have already told them!

Yes one of John's last stops before he left to go over seas was my apartment not only just for our last night together but to leave items of a "adult toy" nature. Now I have all this stuff of his that I don't want...would never use with another partner. So now I am stuck with what to do with them. They are of an expensive nice quality so I don't want to just trash him for that might make him mad...and yet there is not a way that I can give them back with out creating drama in his eyes. Oh well I will sit and think about this for a few days and figure out how to send those items back to him. I think I have offically ruled out sending them to him when he is over seas. I mean that would just be way wrong and cost him his job and I am not mean like that...as much as I want to be, I won't do that. Ahh yes this is what I think of in the first hours of my new year and thus leading me to believe that it will be a very intersting year.

|| 4:21 AM ||

All great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction. (Marya Mannes)