Monday, March 29, 2004


The Train is here and loud!

Ok so I knew he would be home at any time. Well I found out he has been in the states for a week and as of tomorrow the tall one should be back in Wisconsin. I am terrified and excited. I never thought I could go through so many emotions in a matter of seconds. I have gone from crying, to laughter, to fear, to wanting to puke, to running around like a chicken with her head cut off. Over a year of waiting for this moment and I can't believe it's here.

I will see him before this week is over with and I just don't know what to think. I go from one moment wanting to end it myself to protect my heart to the next moment of everything is going to be just peachy. I don't know what to expect and that is a good thing. Part of me really wants to just kiss him and take him to bed and the other part of me just wants to sit there and talk. It's like a first date with him all over again. I just don't want to be hurt again and I know now is the time that we can figure things out and move forward. I will see him before he goes off and sees family. I am kind of hurt that I am put on a second level to his family but he has so many people wanting to see him and demanding of his time. I will be here...I always have been. I think he knows that however it would be nice just once if he put me first. I think I am scared because my happy little land of my head is now going to be invaded by his physical presence in my life.

It can't be all that bad if he is wanting to up date my computer and have us play EQ together. However I want to be so much more than just his best friend. I think we are going to be just fine...it's just the normal welcome home after a year and a half jitters. Just glad the train is here so to speak and now it's time to see what's next. Either way I will do amazing and I am very happy he is out of that country.

|| 9:10 PM ||

All great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction. (Marya Mannes)

Saturday, March 27, 2004


Hurry Up and Wait!

Well it seams as if the Army has the tall one in a limbo of sorts...I have no clue as to where he is. It's been one week sense I last talked to the tall one and no word from anyone as to where he went. I thought he was heading to one place and it feels like maybe not. Who knows really...however every ring of the phone or every knock on the door I keep expecting to hear or see him. So the light I know is close however the Army is going to make me hurry up and wait for it.

Well my body seams to be returning to some resemblance of normal. Emotionally other than me being really excited to see the tall one I am fine. It was a bit of a rough week though. I had family in town that stressed me to no end. On that one it did not help that one I had been up for 26 hours and two I am not use to a screaming 2 year old. So they are all back in their respective state and I am trying to center and find peace.

However I have been able to hang out with my ex's wife learning how to play the game that the tall one does. See the tall one plans on playing EverQuest until his eyes pop out when he gets home. I have in the past played a little with him however my ex's wife also plays with my ex so we are all planning on playing in a group when the tall one comes home. It's fun we now have another couple to hang out with...this and it helps me relate to the tall one in just one more way. However they have a 2 cats at their house so I have been dealing with the worst allergies know to man. So I am resting up today so I can head to work tonight.

That is about all that is going on with me. Just thought I would share.

|| 9:17 AM ||

All great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction. (Marya Mannes)

Saturday, March 20, 2004


The light at the end of a long year

Well blog the light at the end of a long year is here. With in the next two weeks I should see the Tall one again. This means we can move forward with our lives and answer questions that this year has brought up. It falls at a busy time for me but that is a good thing. I look forward to seeing him and sorting through the brage of emotions that is happening.

Oh yeah not to mention I am having women cycles from HELL! I hope that goes away soon so that I do not kill anything fun that is going to happen in the next few weeks. I have family coming into town this week as well. Not to mention I am going to see the Bare Naked Laides this Wednesday night. I am so excited for all the things that are coming to fruition. That and I feel like spring is officially in the air today. I mean it does help that today is the first day of spring but as I went to the post office this morning it really did feel like it. I just feel this is going to be a great summer and life is going to be just fine...it's going to need some adjustments but just fine. Talk to you soon my dear friend.

|| 10:17 AM ||

All great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction. (Marya Mannes)

Friday, March 05, 2004


Goals

Hi blog. Soo sorry to have again ignored you however I have been ignoring the world so that I could heal my body from the flu. I have been sick for a week now and bed rest and time to myself has really allowed me to heal well.

Today after a good nights rest I have come to accept a major goal....or several of them. When the tall one left my goal was to better myself while he was gone for him...as well as move out on my own. I have succeeded in doing so and in the process managed to top what I ever thought possible. However what has changed is instead of doing these things for him....I am doing them for ME!

Today I am sitting in MY apartment looking at a clean living room that is fully furnished. What is even more amazing is that I bought the furnishings myself. I look around my clean apartment and see a warm and inviting home. The long term goal was always the same...make this a wonderful home. However I had to make short term goals and some things too longer than expected but today as I sit on my new couch and read a book in the peace and quiet of my home I know I have found PEACE. A peace I don't think I could have found if someone else bought me the furniture. It was something I had to work hard for and I did. Along with all the other wonderful little things I have bought to make this place MINE!

For years I was on survival mode and I have come a long way. I look around and know I don't have to survive I can just LIVE. I am anxious for the tall one to come home and see the apartment...however I am savoring my own accoplishments like a fine piece of chocolate. I am enjoying the moments of the apartment being still with nothing but myself making the noise.

Last night though I was not feeling well it was amazing. I had Nora Jones playing on the computer...the window open to hear the rain on the roof...fresh bread baking in the oven...and I was taking care of my plants. Nothing more than me just being and I had peace. No one to demand anything of me and my plants loving me for taking care of them. It was at that moment that no one in the world mattered but me. I did not want anyone but me to be in my house...my peaceful home. Though it may have seamed like my goal was to just move into my own apartment....I have discovered how to be myself and enjoy it. I did not miss anyone and I just was.

I once thought it would be lonely to live by yourself and it was a fear of mine. However it is not something I would trade for the world. Thank you higher powers for knowing what I needed. I hope that the tall one gets to experience this as well. I will do my best to not push for a next step so he can savor all his experiences as they come.

I did have a few friends stop by to see how I was feeling and it was nice to sit in the living room for once. I am no longer a child but a happy well adjusted Adult. Peace and happiness are just so wonderful and you are the only one who can find it. No one can find it for you and no one can be it for you. Only you can be it. I hoped that the tall one being gone would help me learn how to be more independent in a healthy way....and it so has! I am nervous about his return as it is coming soon....yet excited.

It was in his absence that I learned what he always knew. I look forward to working at rediscovering each other. I pray we have not grown to far apart...though I think in truth all of this has brought us together. It is in this time that I have discovered who I am and what I want and that can only be amazing for us. It can only benefit us in the long run. He is the love of my life...yet he is not my WHOLE LIFE. I know I am a better woman for him being in my life and yet I know he does not have to consume me and make my choices for me. I am blessed with him, my family, my friends, and MY OWN PEACE! Today is an amazing day...rain giving food to the earth and my soul.

|| 11:59 AM ||

All great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction. (Marya Mannes)