Sunday, June 27, 2004


Blog post #50

So I noticed I have iggnored you again. Well sorry the life has been a tad bit mad lately. Not to mention the doc gave new meds that make me sleep too much as my body adjusts to them in the systems. Some how this morning as I need to sleep for the day....I cannot. I have too much excitement running through my head.

Dreams of northern lights...crisp ever greens....dancing water over magical rocks....animals that prance around you...dreams of camping! Yes I am taking an adventure in the next two and a half weeks. A camping adventure! Yes this city girl has never seen the likes of the deep woods and cannot wait to fully submerge herself into the peace of northern Wisconsin. I am going to do my damndest to rough it...with two exceptions. Exception one and this maybe the only true exception but it would be to sleep on an air mattris as my back is not 100% recovered from the car accident with the semi truck. Exception two...and to be honest this almost seams like a needed item...deep woods off and other bug spray type items. I am sorry but I tend to have some sweet blood that many a bugs like to partake in like it's a rare wine. Nope sorry I will protect myself as much as possible. Other than that I plan on squating when ever nature calls...hahahaha that's funny. However because I am no expert of nature nature I do plan on brining bio degradable baby wipes and well...yeah wiping with those instead of some strange leave that might leave a rash in some very uncomfortable places. I also plan on brining pen and paper to write down some of the peaceful experiences. I also want to bring my camera so that I can go back to my photographic roots.

This adventure will have a sub adventure with it. The TALL one is going with me. Yes that's right...we are trying to be friends. Yes we have fought alot but the new meds the doc has me on make him much more bareable...and well he enjoys me a lot better while I am on the meds as well. Yes the other week we finnaly got him to admit that he is not the easiest person to deal with. That and my meds prevent me from hitting the lows that get us into fights. So between the combination of both him admiting he is a hard man to deal with and me being on the meds we are going to explore Northern Wisconsin together for 3 days. The man may have made it back from Iraq...but he has never gone camping with me before. Lets pray that neither of us kill the other one with the hot dog polker. Mind you I don't think that's going to be an issue. I am not looking to fight that weekend. I am not looking to even complain...not even if I get a ton of bug bites. I am just looking to find peace in nature and explore a little about myself with the company of an old friend.

The next thing that keeps me awake this morning is that two weeks after the camping adventure...I get to take a second adventure. Yes after the rough start to the year...the summer may look like it will be fun after all. Yes one of my mother's birthday gifts from her friend will be to fly me down to Ft Lauderdale Florida to see her. Thanks to her good friend who just has too many frequent flyer miles to use I will spend Aug 4th-9th with my mother in Florida. I will leave work 2 hours early on that Wed morning to hop on a plane. I will do my best to take a nap when in the air...if not I will have to take a quick one at mom's house when I get there. Then that night I get there we will take a dip at her condo's pool and chill out to dinner together. Then that next day...Thursday we will drive 4 hours from Ft Lauderdale to the southern most part of the US...the Florida Keys. So with a span of apx 2 months I will have been to one of the northernest parts of the US and then to THE southern most part of the US. How cool is that! Either way when we get there we are staying at a fabulous resort where we can swim naked in the pool if we like. We are staying at an "open" club...meaning they accept all styles of life there. I am more likely to be approached by a woman than a man...how fun could that be! Then after we stay there one day we are going to head back to Ft Lauderdale. Chill out that Friday night and meet my mom's friends and co workers. Then Saturday take a 2 hour driver north to see my Great Grandmother. Which I hope to hear more stories about growing up and hearing about my grandfather in the war. I am way excited about family history day as I will call it. Then Sunday my last day my mom and I will be back in Ft Lauderdale and go to church that morning. Then that afternoon we are going to a nude beach close to my mom's home. Ok for ya'll readers who have never seen what I look like...I am a very very ghostly white. I will burn as there will be parts of my body that will now have seen sun...that have never seen sun before. I plan on returning to Wisconsin with a slight to sevear sun burn. I will put lotion on but that will not stop the burn sadly. Then that Monday I awake for yet again an early flight. To be back in Cool Wisconsin by 11am. To be home in my bed by 12pm and sleep for 7 hours only to go to work at 8pm that night. It will be a long but very exciting adventure. The coolest part is that I love my mom and we are best friends...so spending time together is a fun vacation. Not to mention I will be down there for her 44th birthday! I am sure we will do some clubing that night to celibrate! Woo Hoo Go me! Doing my little dance as I type this...now you see why with all the excitment coming up I can't sleep! Ahh yes dream land of my adventures...

|| 9:31 AM ||

All great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction. (Marya Mannes)

Thursday, June 10, 2004


Dear Lover,

Just sitting here tonight relaxing. I have soft music on and I am sitting in the room with nothing but the light of my monitor lighting it. As I listen and sing the lyrics to the music that has touched my soul for years...the music that I turn to in the dark hours of the night...I have come to know that I fear love. I fear falling in love again and I fear that it will or will not be possible.

As the song sings of love...the songs also sings of rape and loss. I fear that my past has raped the heart that once lived with in this body. Or some how it's turned so cold that the thought of warming again to feel...to feel the warmth of love...is just a distant dream of a childhood wonderment. Magic that existed as a child when dreaming of the love of my life....has seamed to fade. Or maybe it is the fear that the magic burns, as it has in the past, now has me fighting sleep...fighting the possibility of dreaming again.

Conversations of physical pleasures are easy...as easy as drinking a glass of water when thirsty. Emotions void in those conversations though the body runs rampant with passion. I want to take that next step...I want to be the rose that opens in pure beauty for you. I want to take your hand and walk down that path in comfort. You bring me comfort....yet fear lingers deep ready to pop out of the forest like a wolf in the trees.

My heart a mosaic of broken colored glass....being pieced together as we speak. I question weather it will turn into a magnificent vase that holds natures beauties or if it will just look like...like a useless pile of colored glass. My body a wonderment to nature...baring no fruit...thus being just a tree to provide shade for the tired and weary before they move forward on their journey. My tears like the rain...make dreams muddy and unclear. Can the rain really wash away the past by putting it into the river of life that flows freely to the deep ocean to be lost forever?

My soul is anarchy....utopia is hard to find. Can you be the soldier to get through the mass confusion of my inner being? With your strong hands can you rip through the ivy vines that guard my hidden truths? May your valor of truth and pure heart guide you, with faith being your partner while we take this journey of tomorrow together. May the crimson blood of others lies be spared from your eyes as I learn to shield thee from their sins.

Fears is my captor...the guard to the top of the castle to where I live. Hope is what keeps me pacing in the room to which I am caged with reminders from the clink of the chains that fear has enslaved me to. My hands free to pray to the gods and goddesses to release me from my fearful prison. My hands free to pray to feel the warmth in my heart to love again. My hands free to pray not just for the touch of your hands on my body but the touch of your hands on my soul. Praying that you come and help take off the blind fold and mask to see the beauty that I posses. A kiss to break the spell to help end the long and painful fight.

Truth betold I need your help...truth betold I can't do it on my own as I have tried for ages with no victory to my fight. I have come to know that I could loose everything I hold so dear and I am down on my knees as I ask for help. Pride the blinding sun....has now left me to see nothing but darkness and left me cold. I don't want to be left alone in these dark ages. I will bring what tools I have with me on this journey I just can no longer go on this journey alone. I cry out...like the town crier searching for the answer from your soul.

With Love,
Your Confused Lover

|| 8:53 PM ||

All great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction. (Marya Mannes)